Friday, February 1, 2008

Not Responsible for Nightmares

Mmmkay, I was in the dollar store yesterday and I started looking at the videos for one with music and dancing geared toward kids. Graeme has just started dancing and really getting excited about music so I was looking for something he would enjoy. I ended up buying a $2 video called "Singing Babies: Toddler Tunes". I must say I learned a great lesson. The dollar store may be great for buying batteries, dish soap and shampoo (they have Aussie for cheap!), but I will never, ever again take a chance on any unknown brand or product I find at a discount chain.

Y'all simply must take a look at these video clips. I recommend 'Humpty Dumpty' for the most intense creepy factor. I won't spoil it by telling you what excatly is creepy about the videos, all I'll say is "watch out, Conan O'Brien". Trust me, it's worth it.

In addition to the creepiness that is present in every song this company produces, as an added bonus, the baby in the Humpty Dumpty video actually pushes Humpty off the wall. I don't remember that being in the song. It's "Humpty Dumpty had a great fall" not "Humpty Dumpty was pushed off the wall by a malicious baby". Oh yeah, and since when is Humpty Dumpty even a song? It's the best clip, watch it first.

Cover Letter for Employment at Taco World

Alcohol + listening to my collegiate sister fill out employment apps = This

Cover Letter for Employment at Taco World

To whom it may concern:

I am applying for a job at Taco World (duh, why else would I write you a fucking cover letter???? Mom said this will help me get a job so it better freaking work. I was supposed to meet Scotti 2 freaking hours ago to finish off a 40 and smoke a roach but I had to sleep in an extra couple of hours to let that bad shit from last night wear off so I could write this stupid thing. You will see, I am a very social person and my commitments to my friends and "business partners" are a top priority. You would be lucky to have someone like me working for you. I have connections for all kinds of shit, and if anyone ever crosses you - EVER I gots someone who can take care of them, real cheap and on the down low.

A little about me: I went to St. John's High School Class of 2004, it was an OK place I guess I was only there the one time in Jr. High when the principal said he'd never seen nobody like me and didn't know what to do with me so he sent me to the superintendent at the high school because he was smarter or something. That place smelled nasty if you ask me, though. If i were principal I'd burn the motherfucker down and start from scratch or just teach the kids in a fuckin tent or something. That would save a lot of money, on construction, heat and electric. You'll see I have a lot of other innovative ideas like that when I start working for you. People tell me I'm really smart all the time.

There are a few things about me I think you should know:

I don't like nobody tellin me what to do. Fuck that, dude. I know when to work and what to do, that's why you're hiring me anyway, right? If I were stupid and needed somebody to tell me all that shit you wouldn't hire me. I know that because that's why I didn't hired at none of the places I applied last year. I didn't TELL them that, so they didn't know to hire me. So I'm telling you right up front - it's OK, I know what I'm doing and don't need nobody telling me otherwise.

I'll tell you right now I'm NOT going to wash my hands every time I go to the bathroom. Even IF you have a sign that says I have to. I don't like to be bossed around and I'm not going to let a stupid sign tell me what to do.

As you will see in my application, I am applying for the position of Taco King. The guy I talked to on the phone said they don't have any sort of position, but I want you to know that I don't care, that's fine with me. There can only be one king, so it's OK that you don't have any others right now. In fact, I think I like it better than way, I'd rather be the only KING than another guy who calls himself the "Store Manager" like that jerk on the phone.

You will see that where it says "Hours you can work" on the application I wrote "fuck you". That's because I'm not gonna let some stupid job control my life. Mom said you guys "require" everyone to work at least five hours a week. FUCK THAT. Like I said, I'm not gonna let some stupid job control my whole freaking life.

Thanks for your time and everything. Call my cell and leave me a message when I can start working. If it's before 5pm I'll be sleeping and if it's after then I just ain't gonna waste my minutes on no square-ass employment shit.


Joseph "Dirty Joe" Banks

Sad but True

Don'tchall go gettin' excited now. There's only one someone out there who I want to be my filthy whore. And I've got my heart rather set on him. Sorry, maybe next time.

I love this picture. Lovelovelovelove LOVE it because it conveys so articulately the level-headed, wants to be patient and chaste and maybe even play hard-to-get (Yeah Right) picture of respectable, pre-sexual liberation 1950's femaledom's constant battle against my live-for- the-moment, life is short, don't hold back, fall in love in just one night, would sacrifice anything to follow her passions, wild and unrestrained inner rock chick (aka the filthy whore).

And. I am so impatient. Both the love of a life time romantic and the harlot agree; we do not like to wait. It is a form of torture. And that - well that just gave the harlot some new ideas...

First Impressions

I think I hate Facebook. Something about it just makes me feel so uncomfortable and inferior. It's so...formal. So cold. It portrays a vast emptiness which makes me feel very isolated when I'm on it. Not like the feeling I get when I log on to MySpace and am instantly connected to an endless "extended network" of friends, loosers, and psycho child molester perverts.

Today was the first day I delved into the empty, soul-stealing world of Facebook. After being a long time, self-proclaimed “MySpace Whore”, thriving in the endless options of rich profile designs, random, pointless bulletins just for the fun of it, and filling out 3 million redundant childish personality surveys, the transition from Myspace to Facebook felt like I'd been taken out of the Garden of Eden and thrown into a sensory deprivation chamber

As I was quickly horrified to learn, everything you do on Facebook - every single thing you do - is promptly announced to your friends in the News Feed. News Feeds on Facebook read something like this: "3:28 PM: Katie ate a sandwich" "3:48 PM Katie brushed her teeth" "3:52 PM Katie neglected to floss". This is not a good thing for indecisive, sometimes impulsive people like me, who post random things one moment, and then later decided that maybe not everyone will get that quip about all the people she killed this weekend being a joke.

Maybe it’s the institutional feeling of all the white “walls” on Facebook that just sucks the creativity and sarcasm right out of me. And what am I without sarcasm? Some blame MySpace for being too open, too encouraging of unrestrained socialization with friends and middle-aged strangers. Blame their unrestrained use of color if you wish, but I think it’s the intuitive set up, and friendly tone of FAQS and help guide that attracts so many.

Yes, the endless hours we MySpace whores spend indulging in the narcissistic pursuits of profiles, public photo albums and blogs may be a little...selfish..and bit of a "waste" of our lives. And yes, a site dedicated to the more extraverted aspects of one's self, real-life relationships and connections does, in theory, sound like a better idea. But fuck that. it's just not as fun.

Leave the Girl Alone

BACKGROUND: Access Hollywood broadcast a video of Britney crying and begging the paparazzi to "please, just go away." As always, they refused and continued to film as she sat down alone and cried. This is the address where the video can be found, but please, only visit if you must, the more times her footage is viewd, the less likely that she will ever be left alone. I can't in good conscience link to this. Please think twice before visting.;s-Death;-Hospitalization-A-Relief-For-Family/

This is so infuriating. The way the paparazzi just won't leave her the fuck alone. Everyone in the modern world knows she's not dealing well with her life and fame right now. But when she stands up for herself she makes headlines as having “gone psycho" and being violent and dangerous. Fuck, these people haven't seen anything. If I, or thousands, maybe millions of other women, other mothers with children, were stalked like this and relentlessly pursued for any crumb of interest that could make a good juicy story when blown completely out of proportion....Well, I wouldn't be damn near half as nice as Britney still is to these unscrupulous leeches after 10 years. Also, I don't think I would last half as long as she has before I snapped and went off the deep end.

So many naive, narrow-minded, unsympathetic jerks out there just won't lay off her. In their minds she is the girl who has everything, who has no reason to ever be sad, angry or make mistakes. All I can figure is that these people are too stupid to see through the Hollywood facade. They think that celebrity status solves all of ones problems, making their skin, hair, nails and interpersonal relationships picture perfect and invulnerable to common homo-sapien downfalls. Thus stripping them of their rights to be human, have human feelings and make human mistakes.

Everyone, whether or not you’ve given a damn about Britney up until now, needs to take notice and realize what happened to her, because the way she was whored out as a sex object at 16 is only just one high-profile case of the objectification of teenage girls that is too accepted and never questioned in this society. The double standard is staring us right in the face and yet no one is talking about it. In all 50 states pornography of a minor is illegal, in many the age of consent to have sex is 18, and anyone at least 3 years older than their younger partner can go to jail for statutory rape if they are over 18 and their partner isn’t. The law says that it is wrong to involve or portray anyone under 18 in sexual acts, because they are still children. Why then, is it OK to dress girls from 5 to 17 in pseudo-miniskirts designed to show off their underwear during routines of leg-spreading jumps, kicks and poses at football games in front of countless middle-aged men? I have issues with this. Just because it’s so ingrained in our culture, because we’ve all grown up with it and so have the last 5+ generations, we don’t see it for what it is.
When Britney was 16 years old her beauty, innocence and sexuality were sold to the American public. Grown men drooled over her, made sexual jokes about her; her parents dressed her in fetish school-girl costumes to shoot videos, pose on sluty magazine covers and perform in front of thousands. I don't know what Britney felt about all of that, but it doesn't matter, because even if she was loving it at the time, she is not to blame for what her parents did to her, or what they let her do (however you want to look at it). Nearly any teenage girl would revel in that kind of attention and dress the way she did - if they were allowed. Britney can't be blamed for her parents whoring her out to record labels, MTV, the perverted minds of men older than her father.

Britney is blameless for what she was put through. I was a teenage girl once, and although I never jumped on the Britney Bandwagon, I totally indulged in fantasies of being as desired, famous, and as empowered as she seemed to be. Nearly every girl dreamed of some kind of similar fame and male-attention, and any one of us who did would have gone along with it just like Britney did if we lived the same life. Now, looking back at 24 years old, would I have swapped my unspectacular adolescent existence for an ounce of the exploitation and manipulation Britney saw at that age? No fucking way.

America, and the rest of the Britney-obsessed world, needs to wake up see her life for what it is - the tragic story of a girl who was literally prostituted mentally, emotionally and physically to an entire nation and by her own parents.